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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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After that, I decide to take a breather. I stroll down Rua da Igreja, thinking maybe I’ll grab a coffee. But guess what? The café’s closed! I’m like, “Are you kidding me?” I need caffeine to deal with this madness. So, I head to the bakery instead. Best decision ever! I grab a pastel de nata, and it’s like heaven in my mouth. Sweet, creamy goodness. I’m feeling better already.

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